Tomorrow's Parties

All of tomorrow's parties, christened with youthful bloodshed, shall serve established order, entrenched power, and connected oligarchies. People may change, but the Beast stays the same, just as voracious, carnivorous, rapacious, and pleasantly oblivious to human suffering. The Grand Inquisitor penetrates and destroys with a cursory glance, a simulated instant of omniscience. The Grand Inquisitor displaced God. Kirilov believes his own divinity, no more fallacious than believing in improbable God.

Aspergillus Cunnilingus

I stepped on the mouldy substance festering on my basement floor doing laundry last Friday. Since then, my motor skills have malfunctioned, my eyesight has dimmed, my sex drive has waned, and my mental faculties have slowly dissipated to a critical point. I barely recall habitual pieces of knowledge - for example, the square root of 9, my mother's maiden name, and the thirteen emperors of the Ching Dynasty - and soon, I suspect, the reaper will call and that will be that. Before I am tossed unceremoniously by these microscopic invaders over the edge into a vegetative state or death or both, I need to satiate a pressing desire to write.

Any unsuspecting fool who waltzes through my front door would find my living quarters repulsive, decrepit, and a literal cesspool. And if such a fool happened to work for the city, he or she - I do not discriminate, even with fools - surely would condemn my humble abode and send me to more hospitable living quarters, or, if he or she were highly observant and remotely competent, to quarantine. But, alas, a clipboard toting hero never materialized and here I am, whittled away by microscopic pieces of shit.

My diet consists of pizza pops - a freezer full of them - and canned soup - a pantry piled on high - and canned sardines. Sure, I have cravings for other foods. But most, except for the occasional pizza or order of Chinese Food delivered to my door (Debit-at-the-Door is an absolute must), necessitate that I leave my home. That is something I just do not do. Leaving the home, seeing the world, meeting "new people" - sure, some people find pleasure in such things and I do not discriminate against this idiosyncrasy, but I do not share their view nor partake in such quirky behaviour.

My companions at home are as follows: my television set - her name is Betsy, by the way; my radio - a family heirloom passed down from my grandpa to my pa to me; it's named Jed, by and by; my fern, whom I never got around naming; but I guess if I were to give it a name, it would be Frederick; and my cactus plant, Maximilian Vicissitude Jones XVI. XVI is one cool cacti. Also, I had a wife-partner-girlfriend-sister-mother-daughter too. She had a name which I cannot recall. She went out for supplies one day, long or not-so long ago, and never returned. I don't think I missed her too much. From what I recall, she got far too loose for my liking.

Books are piled on high in what used to be her room - she was the reading type, I think. Her favourite was a fellow named Beckett, who, from one of the backcover photos, appeared to be a wrinkly pasty bastard. According to the short tidbit included with the unflattering photo, this sonuvabitch was quite the attractive git in his youth, a veritable pussy magnet. Meaning no disrespect to Mr. Beckett, that tidbit must surely be a work of fiction. Then again, an estranged feminine voice echoes in my head, "Isn't it all fiction?" - her echoing bitch voice. Forgetting her philosophic psycho-babble was a simple matter: a swift smack of her golden head. I thought, no I knew, she masturbated while gazing longingly at that wrinkly prune. Sam! Sammy! While sitting on the crapper, I would overhear her self-induced moans. God knows if she actually managed to cram the hardback version of Malone Dies up her snatch. "Isn't it all fiction?" - fucking reductive artsy-fartsy crap. I'd like to see her say that about the bible - accompanied with an anal insertion.

Wasted youth leaves a lingering bitter aftertaste. I wasted my youth awaiting death. I read my bible, went to church, took my vitamins, and awaited salvation. But with age and mounting disappointments, I realized that the Good Book is indeed fictional - stories told and re-told in order to pacify and neuter man. Men who believe in an unjust, cruel, vindicative God, who are convinced killing heathens pleases their Lord, who hold steadfastly to vacuous dreams of a glorious afterworld - a warrior's paradise populated with naked virgins, golden harpsichords, and free-flowing sinless wine - are simply rats running haphazardly through a maze in pursuit of a mouldy block of cheese. God is dead - that implies he 'was' at one point. I don't even think he 'was'. God ain't dead; he never was - just the mysterious enduring fabrication of infantile minds.

I have lived in a era of boundless immaturity glossed over as informed dilettantism. Dilettantism, in fact, was the norm. Schooling was no longer about searching, for oneself, a philosophy of life. No, it was about becoming financially viable, respectable, and to take weekends to read the newest Mailer tome or the Foucault Reader in order to spout sanctimonious pseudo-scholarly prescriptions about the state of this miserable world. Everybody conceives themselves as a weekend scholar, regurgitating half-digested, half-baked ideas: masters of judgment and prejudgment - rendered from the comforts of a coffee shop, a book shop discussion salon, or the wondrous and boundless space of the World Wide Web. My schooling, from what little that I do recall, was defined by cutthroat tactics, sycophantic gestures assuaging the insecure egos of authority - accompanied, in some instances, by fellatio and or ribald acts with middle aged megalomaniacs. The blinding glow of the 'real world', laying beyond the ivory walls of the Academy, forced rational people into doing morbid things. Beautiful women were most adept in these games of careerism - for they possess gifts for duplicity unknown even to the most calculating sociopath. Schooling was about picking up obscure pieces of information for a specific occasion: sitting in a bourgeois lounge sipping cocktails with a obscenely gracious power suit wearing whore.

I remember being late for my political theory class every time I cared to show up. Sometimes I was late by minutes, but most on most occasions, more than half of the lecture passed before I appeared. One day, the professor - an old Platonist - finally asked, "why so late young man?". I replied in cliche, "better late than...". "Than never?" he mused. "Hmm..." He went on for a while. After an meaningless repartee - which I shall not subject you to - I finally connected the dots for Dr. Wilson. "To show up, whether tardy or not, expresses our fundamental relationship with the world. By showing up, I am free, having exercised my choice to be here." "What about the days you do not show up?" he asked. "I'm either hung over or getting laid," I replied tersely. "So on days you are absent, do you remain in your cave?" he continued. "Who's to say this classroom isn't a cave?" I smiled. He laughed and told me to take a seat and continued with his overheads.

The point of this recollection - if there is one - lies somewhere behind that projector. Do you see it? Yes, the busty brunette named Alana. She sat upright - showcasing her immaculate posture and untrammeled poise as her ample breasts threatened to spill out of her low cut t-shirt - eyes straight ahead, scribbling an occasional note. Alana was flat out a genius - a genius with a huge rack. But somewhere below those luminous globes lay a charcoal heart oozing disdain for lesser kinds. I was assuredly one of those lesser kinds. Oddly enough, she did not turn her nose to me, as she did to the others. Maybe it was my proud displays of nihilism - complacency mistaken for rebellion. Maybe it was because I did not constantly stare at her chest, like the rest, when talking to her. Even though she turned out to be an unscrupulous careerist, I have only fond memories of Alana; she was an impossible hope, a brilliant creature dulled and extinguished, like all impossible hopes, by vanity.

visions of luscious beat dreams

visions of luscious beat dreams
recalling my repulsive beauty -
a goddess drunk on bitter chocolate milk

her cool sweaty breasts
soar above purple death
heave towards smooth delirious eternity

Old Man Winter capped my ass

There he laid in a bloody pile of snow - life escaping from a grape-sized hole in his head. He was just minding his business, brushing snow and chiseling frost off of his car windows. And in an instant, he felt a unfamiliar tinge at the back of his skull and collapsed into the snow.

You're cold. You're alone. God abandoned you to your illimitable suffering. It has been speculated that a decapitated head is capable of sight for eight seconds. Eight seconds of rolling from the guillotine. Eight seconds of seeing the faceless masses roar with delight and horror. But is the head still conscious? Does anything register? Is eight seconds a zombie eternity - perched beyond ephemeral bonds, but not yet everlasting? Or does the rolling head peel away its illusions to reveal a natural darkness freed at last from luminous interlopers?

A number of things passed through his wounded skull.

"So you're smart and shit" (XIII)

Jeffrey and I ended up at Lucky's one night. We strolled through a throng of scantily clad women - in various states of inebriation, grinding on beefy testosterone cases - searching for M. The description Donald gave us was utterly useless: blond, voluptuous, tall (but not too tall), extremely sociable, soulful, a true Bodhisattva. Well, the Bodhisattva part would've been enlightening if one could tell from the size and shape of a girl's posterior whether they were a truly daemonic beauty. Although there is much to be learned from the feminine backside, this is not one of them. So we waded anonymously through the throng, picking up disposable number after disposable number, and ticking criteria off of our list. Our candidates fit most of the items - save the last two.

Soulful? Most women think they're soulful - that is until their uncoordinated drunken gyrations prove otherwise. This inescapable fact whittled the field down to three women - a petite blond - a former beauty queen turned exotic dancer - who went by the name of Margaret, a tall slender blond Indian contortionist called Medusa, and a Japanese blond who responded only to the name Moon. These names only have a minor nominal value as placeholders - employed to minimize any confusion that may ensue in their absence.

Empty

Emptied, with no road to travel, without horizons to explore,
the weary wanderer sits down on a tree trunk,
ready to freelance wisdom to any sympathetic ear.

"Happy are those who neglect vanity,
for they shall be freed from extraneous desire."

"Ebullient are those who embrace tragedy,
for they shall be able to forget."

"Elated are those who shun flattery,
for they shall understand the importance of limits."

"Empty are those who believe in the impossible,
for they shall not be spared leaden disappointment."

On the verge of madness (XII)

Dear Diary,

I woke up with a familiar sense of dread. I dreaded waking up to an empty bed. And of course my thoughts turned to her. But it hurts too much to even write her name - hence I won't. When I close my eyes, I see dark infinity backgrounding an incandescent trace of her lovely face. I then take deep languorous breaths - trying like hell to capture moribund desires and expel them in a cleansing sigh. It never works. I continue to think those impossible thoughts - those recollections anchored to my dreams of her.

I'm out of her life and that is my bottomless reservoir of torment. I love her. I love her and only her. One cannot control who they fall for, even though sometimes they try mightily to resist.

I'm done. I can't continue on. I've tried to "move on" - oh how I have! But does "moving on" - and all that trifling ubiquitous platitude encompasses - require such an exhaustive, almost Herculean, effort? Bounding from one empty encounter to the next, I have emptied myself of lust. I cannot fathom waking up to another ersatz lover wishing it was her instead. I want only love. But no more. I can't have it. She's gone.

Ah, I wish I could move on. I wish I wasn't haunted with these accursed thoughts. But I am. I am still anchored to the past. The past refuses to let me go. It shall surely lead me, despondent and morose, into the depths of madness...

On the verge of madness, I cannot return.

On the verge of madness, thoughts of my darling torments me.

On the verge of madness, what shall I do? Shall I chase after a specter? Shall I sit here and slide into the depths of insanity. What can I do? Can I do anything at all?

On the verge of madness, I dream of her. I dream of fulfillment. I dream of meaning.

On the verge of madness, I am nothing. I am empty. I am incomplete.

On the verge of madness, she will push me over. She, an elusive wondrous apparition, shall lead me hand-in-hand...into our abyss.

Broke Boy must perish. Broke Boy must die. J.

As a boy, I dreamed of going into space one day and collecting stars with the Little Prince. I dreamed of swimming along outer arms of the Milky Way. I dreamed of wading through infinities after infinities to find God and Buddha playing Bohemian Rhapsody on violas. I dreamed of vast eternal darkness and what mysteries it would yield to an inquisitive mind. I dreamed of weightlessness most of all - to be freed from earthly bounds. I dreamed of floating away.

Jorge reminded me of that would-be celestial traveler. There was an obstinate optimism hidden below his despondent brown eyes. That repressed ebullience would periodically percolate to the surface. But in general, something bothered him incessantly. Although he was a solid human being - generous, candid, and honorable - a melancholic mood followed him. I suspected he was grappling with a problem - not unlike my own - that refused to yield any solutions, difficult or otherwise.

In Victoria, one can find a rather eclectic shop in a hole-in-the-wall located at the heart of Fan Tan Alley. Fan Tan Alley doubles as a kitschy tourist site and an enduring reminder of racial segregation - the Alley, a narrow strip of an avenue in the heart of modern Chinatown, was at one point in the city's history the only place where Chinese could freely interact, which often was either gambling or the occasional puff in a clandestine opium den. But in modern Victoria, one can weave past the incense shop, the Antiques emporium. the insurance place, and find themselves inside a record store. Located in the very back corner of the record store is Irrelevant Questions Inc. It's run by a guy named Jeffrey Lee. You see, Jeffrey was trained as a software engineer at MIT and graduated with honors and the whole nine. He decided to start up a business alongside a few of his MIT chums; it was called, appropriately and pompously enough, Brilliant Solutions Ltd. Whether it was the luminosity of their MIT degrees or their attractive moniker, the business took off almost instantly, all the while, doing what is expected of those knee deep in the solutions racket.

All was well until one afternoon, Jeffrey, in the midst of a mesculin trip, stated in a business meeting, "Solutions aren't important. Fuck the solutions! What we need are questions. Lots of them! Ask them all the time and damn the solutions! Solutions only lead to shit and more shit. Just ask Dubya." Needless to say, his business partners - now leaders of industry, reputable businessmen, upstanding philanthropists and - hush hush - frequent patrons of Thailand's child brothels - were appalled by their colleagues suggestion. They quickly voted him off the board, bought out his shares, and went on their merry capitalist way. Jeffrey - never one to be discouraged - took his sizable buy-out, moved to Victoria, birthplace of his great great grandfather William, and was determined to get into the questions racket. He soon realized that people in the "real" and ostensibly practical world had no use for questions, i.e. they did not help the bottom line; therefore, they could not help one find a bigger house or a faster car or tighter whores. After a few months of sitting in an empty office at the corner of Wharf and Fort waiting for clients who never would come, Jeffrey decided to move to Fan Tan - which according to his father was where William found his fortune as a bootlegger.

Earlier, when I said hole-in-the-wall, it was not said jocularly or for the sake of metaphor. If one walks into the record store and goes in search of Jeffrey, you can find him in a hole in the wall, cut six by eight and six feet deep, sitting on a stool, arms rested on a foldable TV dinner table, with a pen and pad of paper prepared for anyone in search of questions. One day when I was looking for a Donna Summer vinyl - which was to go into a fire on an upcoming camping trip - I stumbled upon Jeffrey. I asked him a question, ironically enough, "What's your method for this gig?" He noted that since I gave him a freebie, he would respond in kind.

[blank]

Wherever he was, he continued to ask questions. But questions go unappreciated. The majority want to be left alone, undisturbed, jogging with an iPod around a beautiful lake, enjoying nature as a blur to be recorded by a mediocre photographic device, turned into slides, and shown to a pack of equally middling bores. While the dogwalkers and crosstrainers zipped by us, we sat on a bench overlooking Thetis Lake, waiting for an etiolated tree to die.

“A question, in most circumstances, disturbs. It challenges widely accepted and already established ideas and assumptions.” A solitary leaf fluttered slowly down towards us.

“But,” he continues, “we are trained to find answers, to purchase them if need be. This training and ostensible attainment of expertise is expected to produce solutions for everything.”

He continued to stare at the decaying spruce tree. We continued to wait for it to fall.

“We can’t solve anything. We can’t solve anything. We can’t save anything. It will all perish in the end.” He took out a yellowed piece of paper from his pant pocket. He opened his hand to show me it. It was a ticket to the 1900 World’s Fair.

“The twentieth century commenced with unlimited promise and boundless optimism. Enlightened industry and mechanized ideals aroused visions of a world that should be. Utopia, once thought inconceivable, was seemingly at arm’s length. Great Ideas, appropriated to achieve a final paradise - an end to struggle, to humiliation, to difference, and an end to history, provided final absolute solutions and demanded that fervently faithful disciples carry them to the finish. Questions that were posed without answer since the beginning of human civilization apparently were solved, once and for all, and ceaseless bloodshed was the price of this bargain.”

Branches began to crumble from the decaying spruce.

“They killed ambiguity for the sake of an Answer. They dissolved contradiction in human incinerators. They exalted then sacrificed Idea atop a pyre of bones and rotting sinew.” The tree was about to topple into the lake as he continued with his thought.

“It was an Answer, not a question, that justified genocide and collective suicide. In a world without questions, men topple tyranny to install tyranny, displacing one erroneous answer with another.” The spruce fell and sank into a watery grave, deteriorated roots still exposed. Unfazed by the majestic demise of the tree, he finished with a question.

“What’s a question worth if it cannot be sold?”

[blank]

When I hopped onto the last train before his shift ended, I saw him once again staring at the yellowed C-Train advertisement. This time around he was methodically stroking his gun, which had been removed from its holster.

Heartbreak a million times over (XI)

Most everything must be done many times over until its done right. Somebody told me that, possibly when I was very young, I really can't recall. Many times over, yep, a lazy man fears that saying. He wants it done, over with, to hell with whether its done right. The phrase many times over was probably first uttered in a Greek gymnasium, where men in the nude repeated exercises every morning. Labor Omnia Vincit - labour conquers all things, Virgil wrote. The joy of an activity came from repetition, from an artistic dedication towards crafting a better motion or artifice. Repetition was done for the sake of qualitative considerations. But somewhere along the way, probably on an assembly line, the phrase many times over became synonymous with the drudgery of modern life. Somewhere along the line, many times over became a program and lost any attachment to human joy. Many times over became, in the vernacular of the Occidental, a program, dedicated to quantitative considerations such as efficiency and profit. In a very real sense, repetition became a curse upon being appropriated by Taylor. In order to have a basic human existence - living, breathing, eating and etc., one was expected to block off more than half of their day to function as machines, simple and obedient parts of larger mechanisms. "This is my life," my uncle told me after outlining a day of work at the automobile factory; his voice, I remember, was tinged with a sad resignation, as if it could not be otherwise. When people ask me, "why did you study politics?", I recount the story of my uncle. And after I conclude, most nod and say they understood what I meant. I suspect most of them miss the point.

In modern life, the sources of human anxiety can be narrowed down to two things: labour and love. "To love and lost is better to have never loved at all" - the oft quoted line from Shakespeare - is the epigraph for loss in the world. Love is inextricably tied to the death we labour towards.

Heartbreak ceases with death - but so does joy, pleasure, and affection. Here's a platitude for you: love is meaningless absent of heartbreak; as is pleasure without pain; joy without agony, and so on and so forth.

Looking into Elizabeth's vibrant blue eyes, I pieced together our first encounter, on a playground - as I said before, much like the one that night. While playing during recess, she walked up to me, grabbed my hand, kissed me on my cheek, and said, "You're my boyfriend now." Since you, the reader, do not need to envision my decrepit adult self, be assured that I started my life as a beautiful child. It was a combination of complacency, an inexplicable addiction to boredom, and a general nihilism about the world - which evolved during my teenage years - that facilitated a slow stagnation and allowed abnormality to flourish.

Proper Scotsman

A proper Scotsman, I've been told, is a drunk one. But drunken Scotsmen are not unpleasant people. They are boisterous, festive, adventurous, and gregarious. They generously offer friendship and conversation until sobriety sets in. A proper Scotsman is one who loves people, especially those who flood in from all corners for drink and merriment. A proper Scotsman understands life and embraces it unconditionally. He welcomes challenge and conflict alongside more sensual pleasures. He shies away from no obstacle. He refuses to capitulate to petty and parochial conventions. He makes his own way. He seizes the day (carpe diem) and lives moment to moment - until sobriety sets in. A proper Scotsman is no stereotype. A proper Scotsman may the closest thing to an overman as we'll ever see.

Oolong and Vodka (X)

Dear Diary,

I am a dishonest man. I attempted an impossible transference in order to exorcise past demons. It worked, to an extent. I knew Alana. I knew what she would say. I also knew who I could attach her response to as well, that insufferable demon. I have done a magnificent job alienating those who I have encountered over my quarter-century on this planet. I yearned for an ever-elusive closure. Rather than continuing to struggle towards it, I constructed the end. First, I displaced my past with a hopeful future with Alana, a contemporary of past demons. I knew the deal. I saw the writing on the wall. I had to deceive myself; to construct an illusion that would leave some hope for an impossible dream - as I had in the past. I thought of her constantly, performing an odd alchemy: melding the dream of Vancouver Island to her, and displacing a lost fantasy with a 'resurrected' one. It worked to an extent. For a month, Alana displaced her place in those saccharine dripped illusions. I love Alana for that. I love her unwittingly flirtatious manner; how she unconsciously strung me along. But I'm a dupe that way. Part of me really wanted her; that part was the dupe. The other part wanted the scars and the eventual recovery; that was the schemer. The schemer won out, hopefully doing away with the dupe once and for all. Am I sad? A bit. Am I suicidal? Far from it. This is freedom. I am free again. I had to take that position of the jerk; the guy who goes after another guy's girl. I had to. The schemer needed a certain set of circumstances, and that September night laid it out quite precisely. Well, of course, the course of events was initiated far earlier, in 20--. I had mistaken the two fantasies long ago, the idyllic one and the alternate. Sorry to say, I even needed to drag Henry into it. The players of a past game had to return for its long awaited conclusion. Vince made a brief appearance as the soothsayer: he knew it was all going to end badly, even on that wretched night of oolong and vodka. That's all I needed. It was, if nothing else, a matter of repetition. I revisited the loathsome event, through a circuitous set of machinations. I could not stand its recollection; it had to be done away with. That email, ironically enough, is the new adaptation of THE letter. It was honest, and, well, better written. It laid out the things I wanted to say to her, and addressed them to Alana. Alana, good old reliable upstanding rationalist Alana, noted my apparent insanity; and the deed was done, the alchemy complete. The fact that she suspected that some sort of machination was happening was beautiful. She is smart as a tack sometimes. Alana is always enchanting, but I don't think I could ever stand her for more than a night. She craves normalcy, at least the appearance of being a very moral person – but underneath it she is a back scratching whore. Yes, there's something subtly superficial about her. But that applies to me as well. My superficiality is a matter of nerves and an irreparably damaged self-esteem. She wants normalcy a little too much. She embraces the stereotypes, but act as if there's something more to it. I can never understand my brief attraction. It may be that I reached the bottom of my rope and had to just cut the damn thing. The bottom of the barrel, the end, would have been to settle for an even more barren land than Alana. I love her nonetheless. I would have loved her real well, like I said, for one night. I stand here to confess that. If I were to proposition her for a night of unchained guilt-free passion, she would be repulsed, offended, but I suspect there is some part of her – however deeply repressed it may be – that would be intrigued if not oddly aroused. And I love that too. Maybe one day in a mutually vulnerable moment, it will happen and all demons will be exorcised. Hence, it has come back to the beginning. Alone and without prospects – I begin again. I feel nothing now - only the necessary emptiness to begin again. J.

Dear Diary,

A hundred and one failures before you find what you're looking for. A simple path to self-annihilation snakes to and fro. Self-esteem and self-confidence are terribly irrelevant at this juncture; they have perished long ago. You are a man without direction - failure your only telos. Go in search with a smile on your face for inevitable rejection. "No, you are not qualified. No, you're an ugly man. No, you're just not my type." Everybody has his or her excuses. Every sanctimonious word shrouds righteous narcissism with layer after layer of egalitarian airs. Everybody fucking lies; and worse of all, they lie indiscriminately, they lie constantly, they, masters of self-deception, convince themselves of a lie. They don't want to deal with me. I'm a fucking mongoloid, a degenerate, and a loser according their unctuous estimations.

I awake to nightmarish visions of her - those impossible images of us together again. Those images that never will be. I can't take it anymore. I want the scars to numb the pain. But the anesthesia has no affect. I'll tear out the sutures and let blood erupt from the wound. Bloodletting either allows an organism to heal or die silently. Those are the stakes; to die or to live again. I can't do either with her churning in my mind. Torment ravages me, the weak man in love with lovely impossibilities.

Fuck it. Forget everything I said. I love you. I love you still, -----. It’s always been you. This impossible love that shall go perpetually unrequited, this is what I feel for you. I want you. I want you in my lap, in my arms, in my bed. I want your lovely voice in my ear. I want your hand entwined with mine. I want you, body and soul. These impossibilities torment me. They ravage me. They threaten to destroy me. Time and again, I repress rather than express sanguine desire. I love you -----. I always will, as much as I have tried to convince myself otherwise. I love you, darling, now and forever - regardless of cruel circumstances that conspire to separate us. I can't deny it anymore. I am doomed without you.

This bland colourlessness is what passes for life, this wretched life without you. I'm stuck. I'm stuck to the memory of you. I'm stuck to an imagined and impossible us. I'm withering away. Freedom? Careless...I'm a moron...I can't do this...I can't act macho...I want you.

The transference was impossible; it failed miserably. The demon's grip is strong as ever.

I can't sleep. I know she will be there as I slip into slumber. Stay awake, stay away. Stay awake, stay away. Stay awake, stay away...

"Isn't it obvious? It's turtles all the way down."

Jorge

Just a thought...

Just a thought...

Goethe's Werther and Shakespeare's Hamlet are the two foremost comic characters in all of literature.

Cervantes' Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, the most tragic pair in all of letters?

What is tragedy? A man waits passively for the gatekeeper to open a door that shall remain forever closed.

Werther surely is not tragic. Werther is a fool - all men in love are fools. But a tragedy he is not. In the end, he shoots himself - unable to live without his Lotte. High comedy! Lotte is a mere daemon, no goddess. To kill oneself for a daemon, how absurd! Young Werther's letters to Wilhelm were merely gestural, a vain showcase of the heightened melodrama stirring within his intoxicated mind. A bumbling intoxicated fool can be nothing else but an amusing comedic spectacle. So to call Goethe's thinly veiled autobiographical work a great tragic novel does him a great disservice - he does go on to write his Faust and does not end up with a hole in his head. Goethe mocks his own moribund unrequited love - purportedly for a Charlotte Buff - through the comical confessions of Werther. Goethe confessed he felt a sense of freedom and deliverance upon completing Werther. Only a work of great comic resonance like Werther provides catharsis, while tragedy reinforces the obstinacy of melodrama. Werther is a most ingenious and subtle satire. So much so, that those who misread it as an endorsement of suicide and committed their own also misread it as a tragedy. So my friends, the next time you pick up Goethe's Werther, laugh along with the poet at an impossibly absurd and comic character - a man of unrequited love; for humourlessness is the height of blunt and uninteresting tragedy.

It's all academic (IX)

Academic. I despise that word and all its connotations. For three years, I mishaped myself in a misguided attempt at prostrating before exalted academic expectations. In order to fit an ideal-type of the academe, one attempts to fulfill criteria - most of which are matters of vain appearance, i.e. showcasing the front cover of a book nestled under one's arm to affirm one's "exceptional" academic tastes. In order to get laid, one suffers a similar vain neurosis.

As I sat on the swing looking at Elizabeth saunter back to me, I wondered if human attraction was simply academic. Tits. Asses. Thighs. Maybe even eyes. If a girl fits that criteria, most guys - once again, if you ask them honestly - would say she's worth a fuck. Yes, these ribald reflections are misogynist and mildly misanthropic; but alas, that's how the male mind thinks about sex. Sex ain't love and vice versa. Conversely, female thoughts about men, I suspect, are probably equally ribald. But speaking as a man, I can't confirm nor deny this suspicion.

The truth is a dark pallor looms over my observations of the world. I only see lack. Her absence forces me see the world without illusions. This "reality" yields morbid insights into the machination affectionately labeled human affection. From my voyeuristic observations of male-female interaction, women "love" men for the following reasons: 1) money; 2) status; 3) normalcy-security; 4) an undying belief that she can change him; 5) his body, dick included; 6) narcissism - any woman who reads In Style and GQ secretly desire homosexual men and end up together with metro sexual closet cases; 7) sheer desperation as they hear the biological clock tick towards its ultimate conclusion.

From what I can gather by sitting in a Starbucks or on a shopping mall bench; if the youth are the future, we are severely boned. Teenage girls are vain, self-absorbed, vindicative, spoiled, and vacuous creatures. Teenage boys are no better - preoccupied with, first, trying to fuck teenage girls, and, second, trying to preen and pose as tough suburban ghetto youth to massage their insecure egos as well as a means of furthering their hormonal pursuits. If these youth are the future, we are severely fucked. If these youth are the future, I'm pretty much ready to find a sturdy tree - unlike Gogo and Didi - tighten the noose and kick away the fucking chair.

Hell, maybe some nosy passerby with a camera phone could capture the sight of my dangling corpse and circulate it around the virtual universe to entertain the masses bored with repeats of their favorite TV show. Maybe some would catch a glimpse of my massive erection and would try like hell to repress necrophiliac desires for my cold dead schlong. Maybe some would recognize the tattoo on my left buttock of the Iron Lady with puckered luscious lips - if you didn't catch on, I would be stark naked (I mean what's the use of clothes when you're killing yourself) - and comment on the artistry of my buddy Pete's handiwork. Maybe a man of the cloth would say tsk tsk and tut tut, open the good book to say a prayer for a wretched soul, before telling little Timmy to drop his pants because the Lord has said he has been a naughty little boy. Maybe a woman somewhere, preparing for her wedding, sees the dangling corpse of her ex-lover, who killed himself because he could not bear a world without her. Maybe, just maybe, she might shed a tear. Maybe, just maybe, everything would rush back to her and she could feel something for the poor forgotten wretched soul. Maybe...

But, I don't think I have the gumption to hang myself. I've always been partial to the old Roman method - opened veins in a tub - or leave it to old reliable atrophy, accelerated by conscious complacency. But you can't have an awesome 15 second clip for either of those. A self-inflicted gunshot? Too messy. Plunging from a high rise? Too anonymous, too insignificant. A toaster in the bathtub? Might not work. Self-immolation? Far too melodramatic. Yes, the noose, baby, the noose. Nothing like it. Well, apart from a witch burning. There is nothing quite like a witch-burning. But a witch-burning can hardly be classified as suicide. Driving a car off the side of a cliff? Well, we have seen how ineffective that really is.

Well, you get the point. I see the world without illusions. A world without any illusions is a dark place, but surprisingly not humourless. Plus, I'm no longer interested in doing away with myself. My murderous intentions have become externalized - directed at a more worthy target.

Anyways, there was a unique way about how Elizabeth walks. She had a sensuous bounce that was accentuated with every step. But there was a definite softness to her steps, as if they belonged to a little girl. It was an odd combination. To be frank, I found her soft bouncy steps highly arousing. By the time she reached the swings again, I was ready to go. Of course, there was a lengthy exposition before the inevitable encounter.

Love you, Love you not (VIII)

We think we fall in love countless times in a day. In a lifetime, we, at least the honest few, fall in love only once and thats it. I fell in love with my beloved when I was seventeen. I fell in love with her just as she began to depart from my life. She moved on, but my heart refused me that luxury. I was in love - irrational, passionate, inexpressible, tormenting, ecstatic love. I fell in love once in my life and shall forever suffer it. I was a coward. I let an immature and pathetically saccharine love letter act as an inefficient surrogate. I should've acted. I should've poured myself out. I should've bared myself to her. I should've been honest. I should've told her. I should've shown her how much I loved her. That's all I have now: recollections, regret, and an infinitesimal impossibilities. What did not come to pass can only be expressed by those miserable lamentations: should've, could've, would've. These are the measureless sources of torment and their imagined fruition the sole source of joy.

Now, as I continue on with the sibboleth of unrequited love pressing on me, I am capable only of lust. Love lies in an interminable realm, a parallel universe, where the moon waltzes ceaslessly with the sun and I hold her in my arms while day blends seamlessly into night.

I was attracted to Elizabeth. She was a buxom blonde - statuteseque proportions blessed with a playful innocent energy. But I still loved my beloved. True, I wanted Elizabeth, but I knew - from that first (second) instant - I would never love her. You fall in love only once. Its the enduring greatness and ineluctable tragedy of human life.

Howling at a Starless Sky (VII)

As Jorge departed for another night of hopping C-Trains, I wandered to the playground near his apartment. It reminded me of the playgrounds of my youth - complete with rickety see-saws, old rusty slides, a fireman's pole, and a trio of swings dangling in wait of youthful ebullient bums. On this particular night, it was I - an old melancholic bum - who sat in the swing and gazed enviously at the night sky. Accursed stars. Damnable moonlight. All celestial voyeurs stealing glimpses of my beloved, while I'm left with mere thoughts and dreams and empty recollections.

I swung back and forth. With every rusted creak and squeak, the entire contraption sounded like it was on the verge of collapse. This cacophony depressed me; even the sounds of veritable collapse reminded me of her.

First image: a creaky bed.
Second image: squeaky clean kitchen floor.
Third image: muddy, dirty spot behind secluded bushes.

Random empty images was the only tie I had with her. And that deflating revelation filled me with melancholy. Staring above, I closed my eyes, and howled at the starless sky. My eyes opened to see the stars, the moon, and the wispy residue of clouds still hovering above. A sound then piqued my ears. It was a barely perceptible laughter, growing louder with every heartbeat. I looked around to search for a source, none to be found. So I craned my neck skywards once again and saw the moon cackle uncontrollably.

"Are you cracking up?" a voice asked.

"Maybe," I replied without seeing who asked. As the word left my lips, I tried to pull it back. Maybe was a reflex. Maybe was an instinctive reply. Maybe was indefinite. Maybe opened up interesting possibilities. Maybe was an honest answer, maybe.

From my periphery, I saw the girl walk to the swings. She twirled a few strands of her golden locks on her right index finger while contemplating which swing she wanted. She of course plopped into the one immediately adjacent to mine and leaned closer to whisper something into my ear.

"Maybe...maybe a kiss will patch you up." She kissed my earlobe with languorous affection and nestled closer. I was still fixed on the mocking moon and had yet to get a good look at her. The moon grew bored with me - as I was with it - and I turned to see her.

"You remember me, hun?" Her cadence was hopeful, yet self-assured, confident that a lost moment could recaptured. But I could not recall it and my blank glare caused her face to pale. Hope gave way to resignation and she got up to walk out of my life. She was no more than a few paces away when I remembered.

"Elizabeth?" She halted her retreat and turned around. Her face light back up - ebullient, radiant, and inconsolably ecstatic as I noticed, for the first time, how stunningly beautiful this creature was.

Infinite Beauty (VI)

I awoke later that afternoon sprawled supine on my new friend's couch. I stared at the specks of the cracking ceiling for the longest time. In the grander scheme, were we as insignificant as those specks - mere cosmic superfluity? Open eyes see all that this world has to offer; closed, they see dark infinity - simple, boundless, primordial emptiness. And, on top of that, closed eyes are left alone without distractions or illusions or crude bemusements. I closed my eyes and obsessed about the fragility of everything. I obsessed about abandonment. I obsessed about solitude. I obsessed about absurd cages and parochial universals. I obsessed about time, destiny, and infinite space. And I obsessed about her.

Dream: blank? No, no, her shimmering white dress is gently blown by a favonian breeze. The gust grows and lifts her dress to reveal her clean shorn vagina. My blinding enduring beauty - Agony and Ecstacy rush to her. Every detail, muscle, vessel, artery, gland, and every organ flashes onto my memory. "Explore me," she giggles with mischevious delight. Upon catching my furtive glance, she flees. I take off after her. She moves faster like a jet ready to take flight. I dig hard and continue the absurd exertion in spite of losing ground with every stride. She takes off and rises into the clouds. I soar in pursuit. Her laughter, a siren jet-stream, lures me and dares me to come closer. But I find myself at an ineluctable distance. And just as all appears lost and my love merely a fading dot in imagined sightlines, she halts abruptly. Absorbed in desperate pursuit, I fail to stop. I plunge headlong into her precious orifice. I am consumed; orgasmic spasms devour me. Her desperate cries - oh, my agonized beauty - echo in my ear as I awaken to colourless reality: a chipped white ceiling.

"What are you staring at?" Jorge asked quizzically.

"Nothing...and Everything." I replied.

Well-adjusted

"I'm more well-adjusted than the whole lot of you! I'm in touch with my psychosis!"

-anonymous

What is Courage?

What is Courage? Facing and forgetting an impossible past with unsentimental stoicism.

What is Love? Let go, but never forget. Smile, beautiful - gimme an image to remember you by.

What is Heartbreak? "As life wounds us, so art must wound us. We are tormented by the delicate, indefinite pain in art; the heart cry of the lover, the failure of realization of the desire, the finite mind stretching to comprehend infinity - these are our sorrows. We pleasure in the perfection of our self-torture; we love to mock and sneer at ourselves; we flagellate ourselves with our own failures. Masochists all we love to be hurt and we love to have our unhealing wounds opened and reopened again; we sit staring at the mirror of art, fascinated by our own deformities." (Allen Ginsberg, July 28, 1944)

What is Sadness? Goodbye.

What is Hope? See you later.

She said goodbye.

Passion implies suffering - not in the Messianic context - but in the very real embodied experience of human affection. I never understood what, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" really meant. It's often regurgitated - which explains why I equated its common usage to a lack of profundity. My prejudgment is not true of course. One must experience lost - irredeemable lost - to appreciate the Bard's words. I loved her. I lost her. And I - now years removed - can honestly say I have no regrets. Darling, I wish you nothing but the best. We will always have our moment - one that you've most likely forgotten and will live on with me - sharing a pack of Starburst sitting along library bookshelves. I love you, darling; I always will.

Jorge (V)

His hands trembled. He was inexperienced in the matters of shooting a man - it was all hypothetical during training.

"Put the gun down, man." I said. "You ain't got no beef against me." He put the gun back into the holster but continued to tremble. "I'm not goin' to be trouble, dude. I'm like you - human, flawed, and in need of a smiling face."

His eyes welled up with tears - he was clearly shaken. I motioned to the kid to sit down beside me. He complied.

Through teary eyes, he asked if I had validated my pass. I told him I had a monthly. He nodded timorously - betraying a glimmer of a smile - and prepared to get off at the next stop, but I grabbed his arm before he could rise out of his seat.

"Hey, c'mon man, there's no hurry. Tell me your story and I'll lend you my ears."

He lipped - with introverted amusement - the words "Julius Caesar" and sat back down.

“You have a name?” the young man asked.

“I am who I am,” I answered with a smile. He understood what I meant.

“How did you get that gun?” I asked in a rather sardonic tone.

“Standard issue.”

[In a registry office, a man holds a non-descript license application. He encounters an old friend, they chitchat. He asks his old friend a series of questions, each as banal as the last. His friend listens to each, without reply, before saying "She's in Airdrie with Broke Boy."

The man, somewhat incensed by this information, begins a fiery tantrum in the registry office - but does not physically disturb anything. His old friend walks out.

At a closer inspection of the sheet, the previous owners of the gun are present - Tweedle Dum (of East Lansing, Mich.) and Tweedle Dee (Fort Collins, Colo.) ...he strokes the pistol concealed under his overcoat.

Another person, eavesdropping on the previous conversation, walks in and says, "Broke Boy's a myth. Broke Boy ain't real."

"How so?” the man asks.

"Because you're looking at him." ]

"Standard issue - what do you think of that?" I asked.

"Of what?"

"That they let transit cops carry guns around."

"You gotta do what you gotta do." The perfunctory tone of his colloquialism - delivered in a trained, controlled voice - took me aback. Maybe he was more comfortable with a gun than I first imagined.

"By and by, I never caught your name, dude."

"Jorge." I shook his outstretched hand.

"So how did you find yourself in the business of fascism?" I asked.

"Necessity," a hearty laugh accompanied his one-word answer. "I dropped out of college and this was one of the only jobs I was qualified for."

"College dropout? That's a title that comes with a lot of weight," I started. "It takes a lot to get into college and be smart enough to bail before being buried nose deep in loans."

"Amen to that." Although I nodded in agreement to his sentiment, his high-five went unreciprocated.

"So tell me your story...no, no, wait, I'll tell you mine first." He grew attentive and nodded along.

"I spent my best years wallowing in self-pity over a girl who was never mine. I got two degrees in areas relating to politics - which apparently is no use to anyone. And now, I sit here on this train jobless, homeless, and with the last hundred dollars I'll ever need in my pocket." I hesitated during the last part, cautious about disclosing my financial situation since he had a gun in tow. It's an instinctive distrust, I suppose - one that applies to situations involving cash and strangers toting firearms. He continued to nod, telling to me continue.

"I'm back in town - this wretched bourgeois town populated by vain parochial philistines - to do one thing: to kill a man." He nodded once again, unaffected by my supposed revelation.

"And if you want to know, it's that dude." I said, pointing to another one of those accursed billboards. He stared at it rather distinterestedly for a long while; although I assume it wasn't a novel sight for him.

"I agree," he broke the silence. "He does deserve to die. But what is your reason for wanting him dead?"

"I have my reason - which is no reason at all."

He smiled. My obtuse response amused him.

"So how are you planning on getting to him?"

"Haven't thought that far ahead yet."

"I understand." His cadence infused an otherwise prefunctory reply with an incisive signficance. It affirmed our unspoken solidarity. But there was something else to it.

"So, since you seem to be handy with a pistol - have you ever thought of killing a man?" My question failed to register initially. His eyes remained fixed on a faded C-Train advertisement.

He turned to me after a lengthy silence and with cold hard eyes gave me his reply, "We've all thought about it."

His eyes returned to the yellowing advertisment. "Broke Boy Realty - The Best Doggone Brokers in the West," it read. The ad featured an airbrushed image of a smiling, rather handsome, young man wearing a white two-gallon - who, from the looks of things, was not much older than Jorge.

The morning horizon illuminated.

“So are you getting off your shift soon?” I asked.

“Yeah, in about twenty minutes,” he said with a prescient brow. “You wanna crash at my place?”

“That’s mighty neighbourly of you neighbour.” There was laughter and then a prolonged silence. He stared at his advertisement. I gazed fixedly at the piece secured in its holster.

Petty Perversions (IV)

Rationale #1: Never give an inch - in love or in war.

When I grew up in Calgary, it was a city of philistines, deodorized career sycophants, evangelists, "westerners" - with their faux-cowboy regalia and all, oblivious nihilists, and conservative closet-cases. Upon my return, not much changed - apart from the fact that most of these people got rather rich, thanks to the luxuriant petrol that flowed so freely from Alberta soil, and suddenly they had a stake in the homeless problem. "The homeless question?" was a fashionable headline plastered over the papers - as if the problem was akin to that of an infestation, i.e. requiring quarantine or extermination (what's the number to the offices of Himmler, Eichmann, and Mengele again?).

A common compliant of Calgarians was the sight of transients and panhandlers in the downtown sector, most notably on the city's C-Trains. "How can I feel safe seeing bums on the train?" asked one respondent to a newspaper poll. Ah, safety, Hobbes' elusive telos, how can it be simulated? One answer: the Old Man's roof.

The groom must have felt so very secure under the dome of St. Mary's cathedral - preparing for a clean and dignified ceremony before a night of repeatedly sodomizing his blushing bride. But, hey, excuse the cliché - shit happens. For all his wealth and respectability, the groom was a petty, petty little man. You see - this is something that was not widely reported by the papers - he paid for a hymen restoration for his young bride, so he could lay claim to that particular conquest thanks to the wonders of cosmetic simulacra. Who lays claim to the original original cherry? Yours truly, of course.

Rationale #2: Tyranny must be resisted at all costs.

Affluent Calgarians believed they were entitled to sanitize and monitor all "public space" in their fair city; the groom felt entitled to the space between his bride's fine thighs. Petty perversions, such petty perversions - that is the source of tyranny, isn't it? Vanity, vanity, vanity - the whole way down.

Unfortunately for the groom, my unsuccessful - and spectacular - attempt at suicide had only emboldened my efforts to annihilate him. For days after the initial crash in the mountains, an aura of invincibility cloaked my every move. I heard the cosmos hailing me to crush my romantic rival and restore the universe to a salubrious state. Cosmic supplications, oh how they echoed within! As I sat on the C-Train and slipped into syncope, her spectre - dressed in a white satin gown - whispered, "Green Vert, Blue Bleu, Spilt Blood, Crimson Rouge." Floating through the dreamscape, I saw the fragments of a perfect murder. I awoke - staring out the window - to the perfect smiling image of my soon-to-be vanquished rival plastered on a billboard and the reflection of a transit cop - a pimply kid no older than nineteen - pointing a gun at me.

Fun, Fun, Murderous Fun (III)

An antemeridian glow warmed my face and shook me from my slumber. I rose from my make shift cot of branches, leafs and a winter coat. The fading embers told me that the fire burned through most of the night. At once relieved and annoyed that natural forces could not finish off what a car wreck failed to do, I walked on towards the vibrant horizon, eastwards and homeward bound – all the while, slowly plotting my rival’s doom.

When you want someone dead, there is no rational reason why. Sources for murderous intentions can be narrowed to a few general categories: revenge, envy, and war - none of which are remotely rational; unless, of course, you put the proper spin on them. The fun of murderous machinations – of course it’s fun! – comes from concocting sanctimony in order to conceal, to justify, and to exult it as an almost honourable act. Convince yourself, convince the world.

“Yes, we’re sure the world is better off without so-and-so, but did you have to saw off his limbs, ground them in an industrial meat-grinder, and serve him as Hor' Oeuvres to his colleagues at a Fortune 500 luncheon?”

“Well, you see, your Honour, he was a lying cheating captialist pig who rogered all of his associates' daughters and a few of their sons. He sold poisoned candied apples to schoolchildren and lured the pretty ones with bags of candy. He shot the sheriff and sodomized the deputy. He kicked my dog and chased my cat away. He killed Jimmy Hoffa; he ordered the hit on JFK; he greenlighted Gigli.”

“Good God! Gigli! I certainly cannot convict you for having removed such unrepentant cruel-hearted scum from the face of the earth. Case dismissed!”

Ah, only if such a defence would suffice – I would get away with things worse than murder. So, back in the forest, I wandered eastwards until I came across the road, about ten kilometres from the spot where the car had careened off the highway. I pulled out my right hand, stuck out the thumb, and was ready to hitchhike the rest of my way back to Calgary.