Rambo gets captured, beheaded, and pissed on. Since Rambo is revealed to be an inadequate Nancy-boy ill-equipped to deal with the demands of (post)modern warfare, America looks to a real hero for guidance and inspiration. Rocky, enraged at the news of Rambo's demise, vows to win the War on Terror singlehandedly in a metaphysical fistfight with Mohammad.
Don King, like always, plays a pivotal hand in setting up the fight - although he reportedly torn to shreds by an angry mob for repeatedly saying "Only in America" throughout a press conference in Fallujah. Well, that and he was responsible for promotional posters that prominently featured the likeness of Mohammad, posing in boxing trunks, surrounded by kneeling buxom red, white, and blue beauties - tongues out, ostensibly readied for fellatio. Conspiracy theorists, however, contend a gunshot from the grass knoll ricocheted through several bodies before tearing apart King's skull. "There must have been several shooters," one of them says.
This monumental loss of a virtuous and invaluable American entrepreneur only adds to Rocky's resolve to win. He trains by shoulder pressing American self-righteousness, nearly succumbing to the stress the deed inflicts on his body. Rather than chase chickens for speed, he visits a quail farm to dodge Dick Cheney's relentless barrage. For endurance, he tries to sit through all political speeches that exploit 9/11 for partisan political gain. Having survived the most arduous training of his life, he meets up with a reincarnated Mick to venture into the Abyss, a.k.a. Las Vegas, for the fight of his life. After 15 fierce rounds of gimmicked punches and closeups of the audience's pained pensive looks, the match goes to the cards.
Its a split decision.
Allah scores it 147-144 Mohammad.
Jesus scores it 147-146 Rocky.
Elvis scores it 147-144 Rocky.
Rocky, overwhelmed by the sight of the partisan Muslim crowd chanting at alternate intervals "Rocky", "USA, USA", and "All Hail Bush", busts out his classic speech from Rocky IV - "If I can change, then you can change, and we can change..."
Elvis busts out a gun and shoots the television monitor in front of him before assassinating Jesus and Allah. He ends the film with one line, "There's only one King, uh huh huh!"
