Saturday, November 25, 2006

The Eclipse of the Family MacHines

Dean MacHines owned and operated a successful gardening and landscaping business. He loved his work. He inherited his passion for horticulture from his father, Donald MacHines. Even though the elder MacHines worked long hours at the local automotive factory, his weekends were spent tending to a modest yet inspired home garden with his eldest son. Dean cherished those rare moments spent holding a watering can following his father’s every move. On the day Dean quit a lucrative job at a corporate law firm, an apparition of his father visited him - reportedly, with a hoe in hand.

When Donald died of brain cancer – developed from extended exposure to asbestos at the factory, Dean was overwhelmed with grief. His mother, Doreen MacHines, would recall, in a May 2006 profile of her son in Horticulture Illustrated Quarterly, that her the fifteen year old son slept with the tomatoes for three days and three nights before he was able to express his grief. “Those poor tomatoes,” he reportedly vailed. “They lost their father.” In spite of the grave circumstances surrounding his father's passing, he shed not a tear; a fact Doreen proudly noted. To punctuate his time with the tomatoes, they were harvested and brought to his father’s gravesite. And, as was reported, he lovingly projected each and every one of them at the tombstone out of a sense of respect and reverence. “He wouldn’t have had it any other way,” he told journalist James J. Kutsch. James would write in his May 2006 article that even though the son’s tribute was unorthodox, unconventional, and would probably be considered blasphemous as well as immoral by most of his readers, it was a tribute offered with simple sincerity and heart, the best kind of salute. The tomato stains remain visible at Donald MacHines’ resting place today, nearly two decades later, a constant reminder about the unique relationship between son, father, and the spirit of the soil. It was a relationship that inspired Dean to pursue a passion he was born for.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Misery

Misery is bourne from an encounter between neurosis and revelation. If revelation does indeed peel away illusions, the neurotic individual, ill-equipped to deal with the "truth", comes to grief, submits to emotional extortion, and indulges in misery. Misery functions as an omnipresent and easily accessible excuse; an infinite postponement of the essential confrontation between man and his inadequecies. Therefore, a disjointed indulgence of misery rationalizes the rejection of human frailty and facilitates unrequited longing for the impossible dream of human perfection. Persistent lamentations about loss and failure distracts from the challenges and contingencies of life and, hence, sustain the image of the impossible - an image that comforts the weak irresolute conscience of the chronic procrastinator, who awaits for an absolute absolution of imperfect, ephemeral existence.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Buy now...

Buy now, you should know that cash talks and principle starves.

Buy now, you have learned that succulent lips planted on pasty white behinds is the formula to "success".

Buy now, you know that God is Dead, unless his zombie corpse can move units and spike profits, then...

Buy now, you know we can sell Him, barrel upon barrel, box after box, to willing dupes.

Buy now, pay later. Buy now, sell when you're high. Buy now, it's bargain you can't afford to miss.

Buy now, you should know that everything is not as it appears.

Buy now, it's a done-diddly-done-dang deal.

Buy now, buy more, it's your duty,
it's expected of you and of me and of everybody;
for we are nothing but investments to be sold
for the right price at the right time to dealers most dishonest.

What time is it?

What time is it?
-No one knows.

What time is it?
-No one cares.
-Perfect, perfect answer, so says the Enlightened One.

What time is it?
-We don't care.

What time is it?
-You don't want to know.

What time is it?
-Time to...get high and sober, get fucked and fuck, wait for tomorrow, burn yesterday, act like you matter, sit still like the good little boys, look for kicks, throw away shit, loot the machine, riot, burn, pillage, rest for a journey, climb the highest peak, freefall and visit dark depths, turn shit into gold and gold into shit, turn us on...time to finally live.

What time is it?
-Form space illustrated darkness illuminates reverie, come passionless ecstatic arousal...stilled, stilled, silent autumn fall(s) winter scene.

What time is it?
-Time to lose your watch. Time forgets, time passes by, it is, it fades; life in time holding off timeless death.

What time is it?
-It's time to say goodbye.

Meet my attorney, Allen Ginsberg

Meet my attorney, Allen Ginsberg,
his grocer, Mr. Whitman,
his gardener, Mr. Cassady,
his confessor, Father Ti-Jean,
and, last but not least, his beautiful mistress, Diotima.

Shudder

Death by pleasure,
death by stillness,
dead serenity;
my heart crapped out,
refusing to BEAT on.

Where's my head at?
UP some dark crevice,
or so I have been told.

A primal force drives beyond,
defected from an OTHER side,
to my doorstep.
I open the door to a spectacular sight.

Catastrophy, my BEAUTIFUL bride,
gloriously nude,
writhing and grinding in
the lap of my brother-twin, atrophy.

Finality is mere beginning, she moans.
The bed collapses,
the players vanish,
and a child appears, with a necklace that reads:
Behold! Her name is HOPE.

Monday, November 20, 2006

My Alba

Now that I've wasted
five years in Manhattan
life decaying
talent a blank

talking disconnected
patient and mental
silderule and number
machine on a desk

autographed triplicate
synopsis and taxes
obedient prompt
poorly paid

stayed on the market
youth of my twenties
fainted in offices
wept on typewriters

deceived multitudes
in vast conspiracies
deodorant battleships
serious business industry

every six weeks whoever
drank my blood bank
innocent evil now
part of my system

five years unhappy labor
22 to 27 working
not a dime in the bank
to show for it anyway

down breaks it's only the sun
the East smokes O my bedroom
I am damned to Hell what
alarmclock is ringing

- Allen Ginsberg
New York, 1953

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Fragment

Flavour is bought, taste acquired;
moments unfold without register,
awaiting a judgment rendered,
manufactured for intended reactions.

Long dark locks flow from a petite statuette;
her vibrant smile absolves me of my failings,
as man and beast.

Her obsessively modest appearance,
hidden behind thunderous girlish giggles,
tempts the beast to capture, to devour,
and never release its enraptured hold.

Struggling...no voice...no strength...drained...
going through the motions...
passing time...passing presence...burning absence...
repetition...reiteration...ampersand....movement unsure...
passing....burning extinguished;
massive crush followed by a stupendous disappointment:
the rumour of love and longing linger on the lips of a jilted lover,
forever unrequited.

Dashed dreams are left in a wreckage heap some place behind appearance,
and beyond imagination -
inside and outside;
love unrequited is sustained by hopeful teary eyes turned to another day,
recollected forever.

They strive to merge the margin with the core,
to leave the periphery annihilated,
fused to the absolute.

The corpulent, unshaven fool scribbles away,
trying to exorcise ancient demons,
and conjure novel hauntings.

Beginnings grope into the dark for adversity;
for the chance to end, to halt, and start again.

Beginnings are most difficult for the old dog,
unable to learn and unwilling to the turn the new trick;
he sees the portent of something great,
yet it remains agonizingly beyond his grasp,
she slips from his embrace,
she pushes him away,
she chooses another,
and brings with her
Fortuna's cruel whim;
and he, he is left in solitude,
left alone with blackened lips
dripped with abysmal longing.

Ah, the transient poet sighs,
I'm outmoded,
I'm outdated,
I'm walking antiquity,
with eyes set upon a distant destiny,
doomed to repeat onto infinity.

The prophet-poet recovers
and reiterates lost wisdom,
pronouncing it to deaf ears,
and slips back into oblivion.

One night

My deep sleep fantasies are slayed by inhuman noise.
My eyes open to see my ersatz lover, wearing a cardboard grin;
one night went a morning too long.

A note about editing

Not every word inscribed or uttered shall be left in its place. No word, no sentence, no turn of phrase comes to being without retreating at the instance of its inception back into absence. What is most essential may be left unsaid, unexpressed, without a "creator", because attempts at expression often end up falling on deaf ears and crumpled by parochial minds, driving the creator to destroy with absolute impunity his tie to society, and, hence, facilitating a mutation of an essential solitude into an abysmal disengagement from the world of man.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Sweetheart

Flowering,
up in the morning,
my sweetheart's eyes open,
filled with wonder,
and poised on today.

Yesterday,
the wreckage of yesterday,
doesn't affect my baby now;
"What was was;
What is is,"she says,
as her stocking snakes up
her fine thigh;
she jumps into her skirt
with make up applied -
readied for another day.

She strolls down to the bus stop,
basking in anonymity,
making play with mascara'd eyes,
searching for another yesterday.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Preface to Perpetual Failings

The material housed in this notebook is largely rubbish. Alas, that is the condition of the mediocre mind - churning out scraps of stupidity interspersed with plagiarized bits of genius authored by far more brilliant artists. Seductive images dominate the trifling intellect. It cannot be disjoined or detached from the image, facile and transparent. So, it's full of rubbish, nothing but rubbish; at times, cutesy rubbish, but mostly jaded and bitter rubbish, frustrated with a world patronizing at every turn. These failing hands scribbles incoherence onto paper, resembling haphazardly smeared primate feces, and some poor deluded soul shall mistaken it for art. Even though nothing profound can be discovered in vain pathetic meanderings, someone somewhere shall misunderstand, misinterpret, and mistaken rubbish for lost treasure. Meander, meander, wander young one - you never will amount to much, but do continue to pursue the green cheese hovering overhead. A cardboard imagination creaks on, seeking the next dimension. A failed artist - a weak artist, master producer of kitsch - creates hideousness to affirm the spirit of art. The failed artist, demonstrative of the highest nobility of man - fully aware of his own weaknesses yet ignores them, and strives for greatness nonetheless - is an absurd hero. So, friends, raise a glass to this stagnant mind and these failing hands in tribute to all that you are and all that you could be.

Postponed fantasy

Postponed dreams, present in absence,
stalked by slithering necessity, lives simply
for a never to be timelessness.

With stubborn insolence and forgetful impatience,
the destitute wanderer stumbles into a tavern,
looking for a drink,
looking for a hit,
looking for a brawl,
looking to be numbed,
so unconscious imagining can begin.

Passing the day, writing away,
fabricating truth to conceal a natural lie;
moan, groan, complain;
dead ears of the divine will hear none of it,
moan, groan, complain;
Daddy doesn't give a shit,
moan, groan, complain;
justice is blind, beauty plastic.

Production levels, consumption spikes;
supply and demand, the Word of God,
foundational truth for the falsified believer,
fed illusion until satisfied,
shuffling off the mortal coil,
to await heights unknown to man.

Corpses grounded into dust;
dispensed with by the sweet kiss
of the summer wind,
transporting powdery misery,
from west to east, north to south;
good people suffer from
precarious truths
and sustainable deceptions.

Emotional, devestated, weak,
and miserable,
you tuck your tail and run;
awaiting their measured response,
their calculated action;
my goodness we're rational,
at least you're trying,
as I tail off...

...a voice echoes, heard by no one....

...heard by nothing.

Nothing is heard. Nothing is said.

God is dead, long live the king,
the king is dead, long live the Word,
the Word is dead, long live the spectre,
the spectre lives...greetings my Lord.

With blatant cruelty,
death declares sovereignty over
the bubbly illusions of plastic existence;
the pronouncement is denied
by the shape-shifting chameleon,
modern champion, most limited of specialists,
who manipulates light and shade,
to project an image of God,
against a cave wall.

Light, let there be light...
rant on deluded meanderer,
for the knave can stumble upon courage,
provided the right strings are pulled.

Rant on!
Rant on about highest things!
Rant on about sacred things!
Rant on about vain and stupid things!
Rant on until a loud night descends;
listen, listen, for a gentle thud,
a silent demise;
the shadows disappear,
and you are sheparded into darkness.

Merely insignificant,
wiped away without consequence,
merely part of frescos of blood,
bone and sinew,
held together by a common suffering:

"Life is but a series of errors,
repeated again and again,
frustrating desires
for paradise most pure."

Darkness gives way to darkness,
obscuring a bestilled, quiet, inexpressible,
heart filled with anguish,
turned away from an extinguished light;
an infinite postponement ceases,
a fantasy cancelled.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The Story of Cephalus

He left the others to their endless questions,
and retreated home.

He wrote incomprehenisbly,
scroll upon scroll,
positing interminably obsolete answers to
inexistent queries.

He then set them ablaze,
he set himself on fire,
he offered sacrifice most insignificant
to hollow gods of vanity.

Tomato

Tomato

A tomato slice lying on a dirty floor,
reminds me of my beloved;

the buzz of a timed microwave,
harkens back to an orgastic moment,
stretched across infinities;

the slurpee machine stirs,
over and over,
the gentle, harmonic, melodic
rhythm of my heart,
beating to an image,
elegantly elusive.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Dwelling

He remained, unwaveringly indolent,
fixed in familiarity.

Along the bannister crawled his arachnid friend;
he called him Peter.

Peter emerged every day, every night,
reliable like a rock.

One afternoon, betrayal tore into his skin,
and released its venom;
he collapsed, asking Peter why.

"It's my nature; its our fate," Peter replied.
"Betrayal completes loyalty, my friend."

He smiled at the stained ceiling,
awaited eternity,
delayed indefinitely.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Depression in Negatory Story

On most mornings, the day begins with the image of my own death. Its an image that is far too serene, far too bloodless, and agonizingly colourless. I imagine that I don't really wake up - only an image of waking up - when I'm really still laying there concocting the rest of it in my wretched skull; constantly bored by the stillness of eternal slumber. That's how my day begins. It begins without oddness, without variance, without significance - just like how it ends.

This morning I woke up, hoping that I wouldn't. But I was still there, the same living breathing abomination that I've always been. I put something stench-free and went out for another day of not working to pass another day.

I sat behind the counter of the restaurant, awaiting the first soul brave enough to take on my saliva-pube burger. She walked in. She asked for it and I complied. I paid close attention to her gluttony. Her tits heaved with every chomp and never did a burger meeting its demise turn me on as much. Her left breast popped out to greet the virgin world and my yellowed lecherous gaze. She reset her breast and caught my voyeur eye. She flashed a glowing grin and egged me on. I said fuck it, meet me out back. She blew me beside the dumpster, happy ending, and back to monotony I went.

I sat behind the counter and saw him saunter in with an unconcealed sawed off. Robbing a fifth-rate fast food joint? Dude didn't think that through. Gimme all your cash, he said. I handed him 5 bucks. He said he wasn't fucking around. I tried to stiffle my laughter, but failed miserably. A purposeless rage burned in his eyes as he pulled the trigger - it backfired and blew a hole the size of a silicone Double-D through his head. Darwin would've been proud.

After the cops and company finished scouring the scene, I mopped up the miscellany the authorities didn't bother with. The chick with the titties walked back in. She told me she was in love with me. She wanted to have my babies and eternity and all that shit. I half-assed the mopjob and plowed her on the floor. She got up, brushed a piece of bloody grey matter from her skirt, and walked out. I went back to the mop.

I sat behind the counter and saw him walk in with a bat. He told me to stay away from his daughter. I shrugged. Sure, whatever you say, man. How about a burger? I offered it as a goodwill gesture. He smiled. Sure, he replied. I gave him the burger. He munched away, although it was no where near as pleasing of a sight as his daughter. After a final bite, he grabbed his chest and keeled over. I went back for the mop - the cops would be back again and they don't wipe their shoes.

More questions from 5-0, the ambulance swung by for another cadaver, and they left me to an empty store. She walked in again, giggling uncontrollably. Ding dong the dick is dead, she screeched. I looked down at my ragging hard on, shook my head, and replied in the negative. This time she was sprawled on the counter top as I plunged in. She clung on. She hung on, clinging to my apron as I tore into her. Don't leave me, she said. I silently went back to the mop and she left.

I sat behind the counter awaiting an order that wouldn't come and a car plowed into the store and wiped out the dining room. A bloodied motionless figure, unencumbered by seatbelt or rational faculties, was projected through the windshield onto the countertop. She came back. The clock read 9, my shift was over, and I headed to the bus stop.

I sat in bed, reading Rilke, when it struck me: I forgot to put the mop back. That always annoys my boss. I fell asleep to the stir of sweet sugarplum death fantasies spinning around in my head.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

I wake up lonely

I wake up lonely. I wake up cold, wondering about life.

In dreams, I fly. In dreams, I walk. Awake, I merely talk. I yammer, I stammer, I nod, I agree, I blab, I blah blah. In dreams, I speak words that can't be spoken, understand everything imperfectibly. Awake, I know everything without understanding. With every falsified passing thrill, I am no longer sacred; just an unwitting fool.

The educated fool spins poetic; his noise thuds against cool satisfied skulls. Deaf ears plugged into the wires hear what they please - my playlist, my identity, my world. Private adolescence dancing in beautiful couplet with public obedience. Nod, concede, this is reality baby, snouts buried in a weathered golden troft, as gold lead paint drips off to the beat of raindrops. Don't worry, he's assured, salvation is freedom; and the golden gruel releases its poison.

From every hell arises the promise of greater heights. Another level down, another level down, endless spiral of rings, it's only a dream. Its only a dream. Another level up, another level up, endless spiral of rings stretching to infinity, it's only a nightmare. Its only a nightmare.

Something has gotta be there, they promised. Nothing. Nothing and more nothing. Silence and more silence. Ham and more ham. Swine all the way down, swine all the way up. Beat your skull with hollow promises, there's nothing more to it; keep pounding away until you're pushing up daisies.

Speak softly, speak low, speak when you're spoken to, they warn. My piercing scream seperates body from soul, scattering their fragments throughout the cosmos; exiling the Old Man from eternity; blurring slumber into awakening.

Awakening to nothing, dreaming about everything, no intersection can be grapsed.

From every hell arises the heathen who grants the believer plastic salvation; from every paradise descends the dishonest believer bored with banality, banished for raising a voice. Everything interesting lies between.

I wake up lonely. I wake up cold, wondering about life.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Adam Smith on Natural Justice

"All systems either of preference or of restraint, therefore, being thus completely taken away, the obvious and simple system of natural liberty establishes itself of its own accord. Every man, as long as he does not violate the laws of justice, is left perfectly free to pursue his own interest in his own way, and to bring both his industry and capital into competition with those of any other man, or order of men. The sovereign is completely discharged from a duty, in the attempting to perform which he must always be expose to innumerable delusions, and for the proper performance of which no human wisdom or knowledge could ever be sufficient; the duty of superintending the industry of private people, and of directing it towards the employments most suitable to the interest of the society. According to the system of natural liberty, the sovereign has only three duties to attend to; three duties of great importance, indeed, but plain and intelligible to common understandings: first, the duty of protecting the society from the violence and invasion of other independent societies; secondly, the duty of protecting, as far as possible, every member of the society from the injustice or oppression of every other member of it, or the duty of establishing an exact administration of justice; and, thirdly, the duty of erecting and maintaining certain public works and certain public institutions which it can never be for the interest of any individual, or small number of individuals, to erect and maintain; because the profit could never repay the expense to any individual or small number of individuals, though it may frequently do much more than repay it to a great society."

-Adam Smith
(The Wealth of Nations, Book IV, Chapter IX, p. 620)

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

On the Road

"In 1942 I was the star in one of the filthiest dramas of all time. I was a seaman, and went to the Imperial Cafe on Scollay Square in Boston to drink; I drank sixty glasses of beer and retired to the toilet bowl and went to sleep. During the night at least a hundred seamen and assorted civilians came in and cast their sentinent debouchments on me till I was unrecognizably caked. What difference does it make after all? - anonymity in the world of men is better than fame in heaven, for what's heaven? what's earth? All in the mind." (223, On the Road)

"Dean took out other pictures. I realized that these were all the snapshots which our children would look at someday with wonder, thinking their parents had lived smooth, well-ordered, stabilized-within-the-photo lives and got up in the morning to walk proudly on the sidewalks of life, never dreaming the raggedy madness and riot of our actual lives, our actual night, the hell of it, the senseless nightmare road. All of it inside endless and beginningless emptiness. Pitiful forms of ignorance." (231, On the Road)

"So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old broken-down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, and all the road going, all the people dreaming in the immensity of it, and in Iowa I know by now the children must be crying in the land where they let the children cry, and tonight the stars'll be out, and don't you know that God is Pooh Bear? the evening that must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the peaks and fold the final shore in, and nobody, nobody know what's going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old, I think of Dean Moriarty, I even think of Old Dean Moriarty the father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarty." (281, On the Road)

It doesn't matter how the damn thing begins, or the failings you suffer in between; you better know how to end it off. This is the advice Kerouac imparts to me. On the Road took me to a place now lost, possibly for all time. It is a land unchained; fresh, raw, and still unsure of its own capacities. It was the land of possibility, the land of opportunity, the land where life resided, wild and uncouth, laying barechested on the steel top of a 1937 Ford, the land of eternal youth, if only eternal for a moment. Now, as I approach my twenty-fifth year, I am burdened with lamentations about lost opportunities and squandered youth. I stare despondently at the distance to come, well aware that every day may be as colourless as the last. But I can go on, as long as the possibility of life still exists. With possibilities somewhere out there for me to woo, I must go on.