Something and something else

For all our lives we search for something…something that lasts…something that distracts…something that gives meaning to the wretched banality of a day largely wasted doing things we do not want to do…something….we’re just looking for something that makes us feel whole again…something to connect us to the uncertain tumult that pushes today into tomorrow…something that can rule and order and disturb…something is a something else, somewhere else, someone else…something can be hopeful or simply resigned…glorious or defamed…something can be within or just perpetually beyond our grasp and field of vision…something, anything, to buy some more time, to restore that which has been lost…to put a halt to some irresistible force nudging us closer and closer to…something unspeakable…something wonderful…something weak and strong, something resistant and something accepting…something sacred and something profane…something here and something there…sometimes all we want is something that is ours…something that will be lost and forever our own…

A particular terror shadows my every heartbeat. Its a singular terror - a dread about losing something that is already gone.

C. or K. However it begins...my true beloved. I stand, immobile, paralyzed, crippled and overwhelmed, fixated on that expired moment of bliss, that first instant our eyes met. Oh, my love, that first glance has since inspired in me unparalled joy and insoluble melancholy.

The joy and tragedy of human existence is revealed by our ability to feel things intensely. All of this sturm and drang or ebb and flow has revealed this one undeniable truth - I love you with all my heart and soul.

I awoke this night, interrupted by the vivid image of most beautiful and luminscent blue eyes. I thought of you. That terror rushed through me. What if...what if that's it...what if that's all I am left with...a recollection...a faded dream...and exile, forevermore. This is the terror that woke me this night. This terror, pumped from a broken heart, shall course through my veins for the rest of my days.

And if I never will again be touched by your presence. I know now, even if it is far too late, that I can feel this deeply, love this intensely, and not be left ruined by desire. I know now that one can love and be utterly stricken by terror.

My sky collapses ever so slowly,

I remember still that instant our eyes met;
its the remembrance that kills,
its the enduring image of your immaculate blue eyes that torments me so.

The ground beneath my feet shifts, buckling and twisting;
the tremors of an unsettled soul,

I long for much and have given too little,
I awake every morning under the pall of grey clouds,
unsure of when they shall part,
unsure of when this interminable collapse will halt,
unsure of when I can hold and caress you,
unsure of when we can be complete.

My sky collapses ever so slowly, darling.