Wednesday, February 03, 1999

Closure?

She laid there, as if daring me to do what that I knew I shouldn’t. I wanted to succumb so badly. She bit her lip in an irresistibly flirtatious way, as I made a half-hearted grasp at composure. Off came one strap, then the other, and she started to shimmy out of her dress. She knew full well that my inhibitions had been shattered, and that she was in full control. She smiled. It was a command more than a smile. I went over. It was too much for me to bear.


As we laid in an intimate, expended embrace, she whispered those things I had longed to hear. When morning broke, the whispers were forgotten. I looked over and, as always, she was gone. And as expected, the note was there: “Thanks. Love, T”. She had to get to the church for preparations; her groom was waiting.

I drove past the church and stopped across from the street. I contemplated it. I really did. I walked up to the steps and back to my car. I stared at the cathedral, still contemplating it. Then the passenger door opens. I swiveled my head around to see who it was. All I could only make out was a blur of white. Of course, it was her climbing in. Off came one strap then the other…and it ends.

The fantasy-nightmare never holds the same details, but it unfolds in a familiar way. It ends as quickly as it begins, because dreams reject the constraints that govern conscious life. They are liberating and debilitating; feeling eternity in an instant is to have nothingness and totality meld into the other. After waking up from it, an anxious arousal surges through my body. It is only in the shower, after I have assuaged the need, do I experience serenity. As I stood in the shower with water pouring over my head, I realized the utter absurdity of it, the absurd idea of her. And it was then, pleasuring myself to a familiar fantasy, did I realize that the dream was liberating once I accepted its absurdity - the impossibility of a girl whom I never encountered but seemingly understood so intimately. Following the climax of a morning shower, I would think no more about it...until her inevitable return.